Does your child run away instead of putting on his jacket? Throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way? Between the ages of 2 and 6, kids can react with fierce defiance to everyday situations.
Not for nothing is this phase called the "terrible twos." However, every child needs to go through some kind of sulking and tantrum phase on their way to gaining independence from adults, and if parents do the right thing now, children will benefit from it later in life, experts say.
It can be a very trying time for parents when toddlers establish some independence from them. How should they deal with temper tantrums? And how can children learn to tame their emotional outbursts?
"Defiance begins in babyhood," says Susanne Mierau, an author, blogger and early childhood educator. An example is when the little ones don’t want their diapers changed and try to squirm away.
"Their struggles for autonomy peak at about age 3 or 4," said Sebastian Arnold, executive board member of the German Professional Association of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapists (BKJ). "This is when children learn that they have a will of their own and can influence things, but have difficulty expressing themselves."
Frustration and disappointment are frequent in the lives of young children, who are constantly discovering new things. "Their brains are still maturing," Arnold said. Kids have yet to learn how to cope with their feelings.
So defiance isn't inappropriate behavior, but an inner need that has to get out. "Suppressed emotions return later like a boomerang," remarked Arnold, who says children who don't release them out are more likely to display behavioral problems at primary school age or during puberty.
If your child defies you, he advises you to take a deep breath, try to remain calm and wait. "It often helps to sit out the tantrum and simply stay close to the child – with physical contact, if the child allows it," he says, adding that trying to calm the child down is of little use.
Once a tantrum blows over, children should learn from their behavior. Arnold suggests briefly speaking to them about the situation to give them words to express their anger.
Mierau says it also helps to point to other ways for them to take out their frustration: "Instead of hitting another child, your child could stamp his or her feet or pummel a pillow."
"Parents should also show empathy for their child’s feelings," advised Arnold, "for example by saying: 'I can understand how much you like chocolate.'"
But he says they shouldn't give in to the child's demands and can offer an alternative instead: perhaps something else to eat or a visit to a playground. Kids are more satisfied overall when they have a say in minor decisions.
Knowing how children think, feel, and act can avert many a conflict. Mierau recommends giving them more independence. Children who don't want to get dressed, for instance, "can learn what clothes they need and take them out of the wardrobe themselves."
Parents shouldn’t be too quick to say "no" when their child wants to participate, help or try something new. "Some kids hear 'no' so often during the day that they get frustrated," points out Mierau. "So they ignore another 'no' or 'stop' from their parents," which can be a problem in dangerous situations.
"Clear rules and regular procedures help to minimize frustration," notes Arnold, particularly in the morning and evening, when children are tired.
Tidying up can be a fixed routine too – "every day for 10 minutes, or as long as the music is on," suggested Mierau.
While kids need boundaries, "it's okay for parents to let them have their way sometimes," she says. "Nevertheless, some things should be non-negotiable, for example sticking fingers into a wall socket or running onto the street."
Steadfastness is important in matters of personal hygiene as well, such as toothbrushing. Sometimes positive words are helpful, said Arnold: "If you brush your teeth now, I'll have a lot more time to read you a story."
The way children deal with frustration depends in part on their role models. "If the parents are good at handling conflicts and quarrels, the child can learn to as well," Arnold says. "But if they sulk in a corner or lose their temper and yell, the child will do so too."
"After their defiant phase, children should be able to manage their anger in a socially acceptable manner," Mierau said. A "no" from their parents then won't lead so often to an emotional outburst, but to a discussion. What a relief for Mum and Dad!
