I have had a Turkish friend who for over the past 25 years has consistently broken ties with me. At the drop of a hat, as it would seem to me, he would just leave without saying anything and suddenly I found myself in an unexplained rift with someone who on all other occasions was close to a best friend. I would host him like a king, constantly making meals and serving snacks and I never understood why he would just disappear without even saying “thanks.”
After years of silence, we reconnected and I took the opportunity to ask him what it was about me that he could so easily and repeatedly walk away from. He told me I was “küstah,” a Turkish word I didn’t even understand nor could he himself find the right words to explain it in English.
Of course, I took to the dictionaries to try to decipher what about me was so repelling, only to find that "küstah" is a challenging word to translate into English. I struggled to find a single meaning, but words such as impertinent, insolent, immodest, presuming, assuming, and insulting popped up amongst dozens of others. I tossed and turned for many a night trying to understand this characteristic in me to the point of even taking a personality disorder test from a website in Australia. Thankfully the results showed that no I was not a narcissist, however, I did have high ranks in a category called “entitlement.”
Suddenly I found myself trying to find the Turkish equivalent of the word, however, all that came up were quite literally translations of people having official authority or a title to in fact do something, no Turkish word popped up in an online dictionary search that would accurately reflect that sense of entitlement that I can clearly see I have too much of. When I soul search as to why, I can definitely pinpoint it to my childhood in the U.S. and Los Angeles no less, and the perception derived by others that somehow that upbringing was above others.
Not only is the U.S. and especially Los Angeles revered as the “promised land" by Americans, but throughout my experiences traveling and especially in Türkiye I have always been asked why I would choose to leave Los Angeles because wasn’t everything better there. And I have always responded truthfully by saying “no.” I have suffered a weird attack, a drive-by shooting attempt, there are homeless on the street, people are too busy to enjoy the moment, the food doesn’t taste as good and so forth. To this, a Turk might say “hmm, but there are nice sidewalks right?” I try to explain that yes, but in L.A. we hardly ever walked on them due to the homelessness issue making it so much safer to drive.
Yet, I and like many Americans and other cultures, still seem to believe that our ways are superior to others. You can hear us a proverbial mile away, as Americans chatter loudly and incessantly an inherent trait I am always trying to silence, literally. I believe the issue with my decadeslong friend was this sense of superiority and entitlement, which I think is the closest way to translate the word "küstah" in English. In practice it looks like this: being frustrated at being cut in on in lines, or at electricity and water cuts. It means having a superior stance that is judgmental of the service in restaurants or being upset at the conditions of the roads. It is speaking louder than anyone else around and expecting pleasantries such as “thank you” and “sorry.” Now I know these are all valid issues to be upset about, but I am not taking that for granted. It’s just that as Westerners we tend to get more upset because we have experienced different standards.
When approaching situations from a different perspective, such as considering that maybe that individual rushing truly has a pressing concern or a health issue, it makes the audacity of losing your place in line more palpable and certainly not something to ruffle our feathers over. Life is truly too short for that. That said, Türkiye is going through great change as is the case all over the world. Homelessness, which is already a huge problem in America is now also on the rise in the United Kingdom, but here in Türkiye, it was a concept that was nearly non-existent before the entry of refugees en masse.
Türkiye now has a housing issue, and understandably, it has become a safe haven for people of different nationalities evading war. Couple that with the massive twin earthquakes that ravaged 10 provinces back in February and then add on the unprecedented inflation, and suddenly finding affordable accommodation has become one of the greatest challenges faced by so many, Turks and foreigners residing here alike.
Therefore, measures are being put in place in order to curtail short-term rentals and adjustments are being made on resident permits, which unfortunately has been to the detriment of many expats residing here. There are harrowing stories of people who have lived here comfortably but are now facing challenges and it is truly upsetting. I do not mean to downplay this in any way. I just want to say that there are two sides to every coin and it would behoove us to take that into consideration instead of just wallowing in our misery. This is just speculation, but maybe the moves are being made to ensure this country can perpetuate its values and take care of its people, which is one of the main reasons foreigners like us love it here.
In general, the Turkish culture embraces and encourages humility, empathy and compassion. This is evident from the way most take care of street animals and their fellow community. The concept of "imece," which means giving a helping hand just for the sake of it to the benevolent practices embedded in the Muslim religion is demonstrative of how helping others or at least considering their circumstances is just par for the course here. I implore my fellow Western expats to see things from all angles as it might help ease some of the pain the changes coming on may cause. If we are grateful for what we have and empathetic to those who have less than us, we just might feel better, because entitlement does not actually feel that great.
This feeling of entitlement divides us as people. If we had more humility, compassion and empathy maybe the current situation in the world would be different. If we were more empathetic maybe fewer rainforests would be chopped down and less plastic found in our oceans and seas. This concept I had never before paid heed to now seems to be the most pressing and the only way out I find is to seek ways to help others with feelings driven by empathy and compassion. More and more studies on happiness also show that helping others and embracing humility is one of the best ways to feel better, to begin with.
