Let’s face it: aging sucks.
When the comment “you look great for your age” is eventually directed at you, and it will be someday, the sting of society’s war against aging and the stigma stick to you like a deranged octopus.
I was “complimented” like this for the first time at the age of 35.
At 43 and without the constant distraction of small children mucking about, I have been left to my own devices – and the mirror, a rather dangerous combination. To be honest, I am distressed by my aging reflection – and then more distressed that I am distressed by such a superficial issue. I have a successful career, a healthy family, a supportive husband, wonderful friends and an education; overall, I can look at my life and say I lived it how I had always hoped. So why do I feel less-than, like I am losing value because my jawline is starting to sag or the tiny smile lines around my mouth are deepening?
We live decades longer than our ancestors. Shouldn’t we be grateful? Why are we whining about the privilege of experiencing more life?
And before I go any further, of course, I realize that every day alive is truly a gift. That’s what makes me wonder why we insist on torturing each other and ourselves about arbitrary issues that are out of our control – and perfectly natural.
Our bodies change over time. Smooth skin develops lines along natural faults of expressed emotions, hair loses its color – or falls out completely, eyesight starts to wane, skin that used to be firm goes soft or, even more drastic, body parts that used to be taut start to sag.
But the natural aging process itself is not at fault for my angst. Like almost all of our neurotic issues, this one is woven by society.
We consider botox, liposuction, tummy tucks, facelifts and third-degree-burn-level chemical peels to revive parts that are simply developing the way they’re supposed to as our life progresses. We end up poking, trimming, dying, drugging and cutting up perfectly healthy bodies for the sake of vanity.
So, why are we stuck in a rat race we can’t possibly win? Why do we torment ourselves?
The aging process can be rough for everyone but the dialogue for men is drastically different than for women. Though men do feel some pressure, they also earn prestige as they gain years, even though their physical beauty is not as young as it used to be. They can openly flaunt salt-and-pepper hair and academic-looking glasses, or even a ponchy “dad bod.” These signs of aging and more only add to their status and serve as physical signs of their experience and gathered wisdom. Their fading youth is accepted as natural and their self-worth is not manically tied to maintaining their young appearance. Though they may mourn what once was, society does not completely devalue their worth or their sexuality as they age.
It is not the same for women, and the issue does not come down to simply worrying about a deteriorating physical state. According to societal standards, women can “age well” and remain desirable and valued or transform into asexual sea hag-level ugliness, depending on just how long we can look “young.” The stakes are high.
After stewing about my fine lines and wrinkles, I knew it was time to challenge the pressure making me feel less-than regarding an issue that was completely out of my control. I wanted to untangle the societal toxicity that was making me feel like I was fading into unseen and unvalued oblivion.
I turned to the bible on the topic, journalist Naomi Wolf’s “The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women,” which tackles myths related to physical attractiveness and power. She delves into real issues of gender-related discrimination, pointing out that the concept of “flawless beauty” is less about being attractive and more about subtle methods of control. She argues that the current dynamic involves an “ever-more-unattainable, ever thinner, ever-more-surgically enhanced quality of the images of perfection that bombard women’s sensibilities in every direction – now that women have the chances of really being free.”
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Cultural thinker John Berger’s discussion in his book “Ways of Seeing” addresses gender roles and power in art, delving even further: “Men act and women appear. Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women but also the relation of women to themselves. The surveyor of woman in herself is male: the surveyed is female. Thus she turns herself into an object of vision: a sight.” We can safely say his observation is attributed to society at large.
No wonder we hate mirrors and quite often the reflection staring back.
At the risk of a few eye rolls, I’m aiming at the toxicity of patriarchy. Any group in power will use every trick to maintain it. One of the best ways to pull strings is to attach them to something particularly personal – in this case, self-respect. Pitting a woman against herself is a pretty brilliant move, to be honest. Women have won many of the external battles for equality, as Wolf points out, but undermining a woman’s inner voice by planting seeds of doubt regarding self-worth cuts her power at its source. A woman distracted by her demons is much easier to navigate and control. Likewise, a woman who links her worth to being an object of desire creates a double whammy requiring both internal and external acceptance to feel whole.
This systematic brainwashing is integrally intertwined with imposed yet impossible female beauty standards, and women are told they must meet them to be desired and valuable. We are programmed at a very early age to align our inner voices with this discourse. Everywhere we turn, in magazines, advertisements, TV, social media, even food or beauty products, every “desirable” woman is represented by an unrealistically beautiful face and perfectly sculpted body, becoming the most prominent, shiny, glamorous and sexy – aka desired and valued – examples of women.
But why do we internalize this and use these images as our role models? Obviously, we can’t all be supermodels – but this isn’t how the issue is presented. Society tells us it is our fault if we can’t achieve the right level of perfection: The tools are there, the gym, creams, surgeries, filters and more, we just have to use them. The discourse assures women that if we work out hard enough, if we spend enough money on treatments or makeup, if only we could lose those last 5 pounds and cover those stretch marks, we can be worthy of the same admiration. And once we are finally worthy, we can feel complete.
Of course, in the end, the expectations are unattainable. As we age, our bodies change. There is no fooling Mother Nature, so, fully immersed and influenced by the dialogue, down the rabbit hole of self-hate we go.
It’s time we determine our own standards, even if it feels overwhelming. Pioneering feminist thinker Betty Friedan, known for her observations and critiques of the societal constraints placed upon women, as well as her calls for gender equality and the fulfillment of women's potential, once said: "It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question 'who am I' except the voice inside herself."
In the end, we may not be able to change the world, but we can sure as hell take charge of the way we think. We can pioneer a healthy self-dialogue based on logic, catering to our achievements and goals – not socially constructed fantasies that aren’t designed to foster our satisfaction with life.
As Friedan also pointed out: "Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength."
And we are all already worthy.
